Mental Health Tool Kit: Assertiveness

 


What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is a helpful style of communication and way of thinking and being (especially in response to difficult people or social situations). Assertiveness is all about open, honest communication that respects the needs, health, and wellbeing of everyone.

⚠ Note: In potentially harmful or abusive situations, it is important to do what you need to in order to stay safe. DO NOT try to be "assertive" if it may endanger yourself or others. For example, there are situations where it may be safest to use a "passive" communication style to avoid escalating to violence. All reference to assertiveness as the "best" or "ideal" communication style is only regarding mild social dilemmas, NOT situations of abuse or potentially harmful scenarios. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, contact your local abuse help line, public services, or the relevant authorities.

Check out Therapy In A Nutshell's video about assertiveness:

Communication Styles

The main communication styles are: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. Generally speaking, the most helpful communication style of these four (particularly when dealing with difficult people), is assertiveness. Assertiveness may be useful if you are struggling to communicate your needs, rights, thoughts, and/or emotions.

(As explained in the above disclaimer, there are times where assertiveness may actually be dangerous, so practice assertiveness with your own discretion.)


Click here for Princeton University's page on communication styles

Assertive Language

Language is critical to assertiveness - word use and even tone of voice are important. Below are some key points of assertive language:

  • A calm and neutral voice helps keep the message clear.
  • Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements - an individual can only truly speak for themselves, and blaming is not helpful.
  • Avoid using the word "make" unless it is literally true; unless a person is literally being forced to do something, no one can "make" another person feel or do anything. Also, using "make" unnecessarily places blame on external causes, rather than taking responsibility for one's own actions or emotions.
  • Repetition can be helpful if the person on the receiving end of the message is not hearing the message. It may seem awkward or robotic, but simply repeating oneself can help immensely.
  • If possible, practice what will be said ahead of time, alone or with a friend who can provide feedback. A mental health therapist can also help roleplay assertiveness.
  • Review thought traps and emotions.

Setting Boundaries

A major part of assertiveness is learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set boundaries, and how to maintain boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are about maintaining your health and wellbeing, while realistically recognizing that of others.

Examples of healthy boundaries:

  • "I will not spend money over the budget I have set for myself."
  • "I will go to bed at 11:00PM every night."
  • "I will not check work emails on weekends."
Examples of unhealthy boundaries:
  • "I need Jason to only talk to me."
  • "You must hold my hand if you want to be my partner."
  • "I will drink as much alcohol as I want without care for my health."
  • "We have to have a phone call every day."
Notice that healthy boundaries are focused on what will help the individual's health and overall wellbeing, while unhealthy boundaries place demands on others and/or excuse harmful behaviour. Keep in mind that healthy boundaries respect the needs and rights of all parties involved.

Once a boundary has been decided, it is time to set the boundary. Setting boundaries requires finding a time and location that is most helpful for the situation, and that works well for everyone. Make sure that everyone has the opportunity to leave the location if they want to, and of course, take precautions to ensure everyone's safety.

Idea: if you are concerned the other person may lash out in response to your boundary, consider meeting in a public place, such as a restaurant. A public place increases safety levels and encourages everyone to maintain their composure.

Finally, when a boundary has been set, it must be maintained. A boundary is a means of implementing respect for health and wellbeing where confusion may have otherwise been present, so wavering from a boundary is counterproductive. Generally speaking, it is best to stick with your boundaries as strictly as possible, but it is still important to allow room for others to ask questions if they are confused or discuss the details.

When you break your own boundaries, you confuse the other person and invite distrust into the relationship, making it more difficult to set boundaries in the future.

Remember: the point of assertiveness is open, honest communication that respects the needs, health, and wellbeing of everyone.

The next section provides a script that is helpful for boundary setting.

DESO Script

A DESO script (aka "DESC" or "DESCO" script) is a useful tool for preparing to communicate assertively and to set boundaries.

Click here for a DESO script from A Good Place Therapy

Click here for the DESC model from In Equilibrium

Assertiveness Workbook

Assertiveness is ultimately a crucial tool to have, but requires practice and time to learn. Consider attending an assertiveness workshop for a chance to learn from trained mental health service providers and to practice with others. Below is a link to a comprehensive workbook you can use to learn assertiveness on your own:

Click here for CCI's Assertiveness Workbook